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i have a betta fish. he lives in squidward’s head. two weeks we had no heat and i thought that bitch was dead but hex lives! when your life’s in a bowl, easy to get fed up, and it seemed it was time. thought hex had had enough but hex lives! only comes out for food. always in some big fucking mood. thought that it was clear as day that my betta fish had passed away but hex lives! hex lives! hallelujah! hex lives!
[eulogy]::::: if only we had time for just one more swim around the bowl, would it be enough? if only we had time for one more pellet….one more flake….true to how he lived, hex would not want us pondering what could be but preparing for what is ahead of us while remembering those that came before. we are gathered here today to honor our belovéd hex. he was a fish, a father, a lover, but most importantly: a friend. amen.
only comes out for food. always in some big fucking mood. thought it was clear as day that my betta fish had passed away but hex lives! hex lives! hallelujah! hex lives!
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2. |
Sem Ayem
04:20
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it’s me! been busy becoming who i am! never felt more myself than when i scream “SEM AYEM!” i am sem. had a crisis! asked questions! never going back again to that place of absolutes! what a con-tra-DICK-shee-in! sem ayem! this noise that we call thought has kept me up a lot. but now i’m figuring out how to live with doubt. in the meantime, which is where i am, i’m telling you: SEM AYEM. three letters! one sound! neither man nor woman’s name. after years of confusion, don’t understand this game of she and he and you and me and i and we and they and them. i’m sorry i dropped off but i had had enough of being perceived as someone other than me. my body didn’t change, but still i felt so strange cause there’s no terms nor form to use that fit better than the ones i do. but in the meantime, (which is where i am), i repeat that SEM AYEM
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3. |
Slow Burn
05:00
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breathless, red in the face. once again, too fast a pace. i need to slow down..someone to show me around. my kingdom for a candle with a slow burn. i’d like that much better cause i’m a slow learn. my ships and ports for a flame of sorts that lasts more than one night…stay longer, burn brighter so i know we’re both right. restless, not enough sleep. calling you instead of counting sheep. means nothing if i’m well-rested but blue. i’d trade it all for a twenty-fifth hour with you, and i’d sell my kingdom for a candle with a slow burn. i’d like that much better cause i’m a slow learn. my ships and ports for a flame of sorts that lasts more than one night. stay longer, burn brighter so i know we’re both right. does your brain race as fast as mine, always keeping broken syncopated time? thoughts like fractals splinter, too. the kind in margins drawn when planning what to do. do you dream like i dream of deep breaths and cool water? everything in baby steps we’ll meet the worst and celebrate the rest but first: a light! alright! our fire’s burning bright and so we stoke the embers. what was life before this bubble in my chest? do i even wanna remember? // my kingdom for a candle with a slow burn. i’d like that much better cause i’m a slow learn. my ships and ports for a flame of sorts that lasts more than one night. stay longer, burn brighter so i know we’re both right
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4. |
Portal Portal Portal
03:54
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[goddammit…how do you work this..thing? is it supposed to sound like this? hang on….try, uh…] close your eyes and count to four. rid your mind of what came before. spill your wine upon my floor. don’t waste time. walk through my door. // up the staircase, down the hall. let me show you what i saw. past the threshold, past a doubt….only one way to find out // why don’t you walk through my portal portal portal? come on and walk through my portal portal portal!
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5. |
Goodnight, Diana
04:56
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she lets me in for tea, mouth obscured. hard of hearing. only catching /every/other/word. she ain’t afraid of me. remembers the war. says “we didn’t panic till the bombs were fallin just outside the door.” the table’s set for two just like old days. i couldn’t live with myself if something happened cause we were set in our ways. secret meetings. photos in albums explained. two old souls just listening to it rain. shows me pictures taken when she was young, only brought out whenever the company comes. she spins her yarns piece by piece. skipping decades, out of order. under-standing, over-seas. she brings me up to speed, present day. her life is a movie and i’m in the theater. credits come and roll away. she walks me out when we’re done. “goodnight, diana.” thank you for letting me sit in your proverbial cinema
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6. |
Swimming Lessons
07:00
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if they wanted to, they would but they don’t so you pick up where they left off. and you’ve done all that you should, all you could but still none of what you want. maybe it’s time to try. isn’t it marvelous to bathe in the waves of comfort you’ve made for yourself? and if you haven’t learned to swim come on in! we’ll help you keep yourself afloat. take it slow. here we go! on time! you’re always on time! the water’s fine. on time! you’re always on time! the water’s fine. now you’ve got some things to say. it may take some time before they’re out and heard. so you’ll ruminate a while, oh sweet summer child, well it’s fine cause we know that mum’s the word, and we’ve learned to wait. and if you’re choosing not to speak, you’re not weak, come closer till we hear your heartbeat hum. // all i want for us is to dive and only when we’re under will we wonder if we made it out alive //
but just before we slip beneath the surface we will greet with open arms what's yet to come! O N T I M E ! Y O U R E A L W A Y S O N T I M E ! T H E W A T E R S F I N E ! // ah-huah!
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7. |
Meltdown
03:49
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8. |
Oh, Inverted Sun
04:27
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wait till your head roll off your shoulders, down the mountainside to the village where the little people sleep and the wolves in caves sit and hide. wait till the ice melts in the winter. sun flipped up-side down and the leaves float up the ground to trees, attach to branches, wither and turn brown. in the morning sun, the river runs to walled cities we built in dreams and all you hear is the sound of streams. whistle as you sail the metalimnion (water in between): neither surface nor the rock flour underneath. chills your marrow sight unseen. whistle
as you leap across the thalweg. sister mountain streams. let it echo through the valley high and low, getting louder….full blown scream….oh, inverted sun, lend your light to me! drive these wolves from dark and show us all what lies beneath your sea!
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9. |
West
04:46
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there it goes: the last of my interest in saving face. and here it comes: penultimate push to leave this place. to whom do i owe the credit for finding all of the strength within? couldn’t be me, same one who almost let trepidation win… can you be known for sitting in rooms so quietly? don’t wanna be remembered for living my life so piously. i wanna drive west and never ever ever ever look back! i wanna drive west and never ever ever ever look back! but till then i’ll daydream… oh lately i’ve been missing the forest for the trees. so easy to. if you’re looking down, it’s all you see. my tethers are fraying. never been lighter. wasted my wishes on a gale. my lungs are swollen now with cold air. i am the wind in my sails! what have i learned just by driving the same old route home? i’ve watched them change yet i can’t help but feel that neither of us has grown… i wanna drive west and not shed a tear when i’m lost! i wanna drive west and not shed a tear when i’m lost cause the prodigal navigator is always found!
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10. |
The Circle
04:52
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every time a friend dies, the grown-ups say you’re handling this so well. when everything’s on fire, i wanna tell them all to go to hell because the truth is i feel guilty. as time goes on, the wounds scab over fast. i feel like if i’d truly loved them, the pain wouldn’t get easier, it would last. but i know if they could hear me they’d say “silly child, there’s no right or wrong” so sing us a song to move us along cause love is the one thing that stays behind when we’re gone! every time a friend dies, the world comes close together for a time. maybe it’s to fill the empty space our dear friend left behind. but then it happens very naturally: the circle slowly opens up wide to make room for more new friends to love as we hasten to remember those who’ve died. and i know if they could hear me, they’d say “silly child, there’s no right or wrong” so sing us a song to move us along cause love is the one thing that stays behind when we’re gone!
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Sem Ortiz Esopus, New York
All songs written & recorded / layered in my apartment unless otherwise noted.
Email: workfia95@gmail.com
Instagram:
@bluhoopz
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